im tired.relentlessly tired.lol.

after the whole gr-cheryl-lena fiasco has blown over, i feel much much better. i worried abt him being pressured by her threats and such. it was nerve-wreckin for me cos i couldn't do anything to help him, or her. i guess she has her reasons for backstabbin me that time, insecurity jealousy blah. during those 3 1/2 yrs, i'm sure he has treated her very very well, and she took him for granted. why go to such means just to get him back? he's tired too. hope she understands that.

i went sji yesterday with the squashers for training. eye-candy.HEH. oops. anyway LOL.
i still marvel at how guys can react and play so so so well! and some really look shuai when they play k! =)

it's fascinating how i've FINALLY packed my drawers and table. took so long for me to actually get down to doing it! i thought back to how the past 6 months has passed so quickly, and how i've always longed to see him again.. things have changed. he had his reasons, and i had to accept that. but it's really saddening when i went through my file of everything ivan-related. dates, pictures, letters. i read them and smiled. i love him, and he'll always have a special place in my heart.. it's been eons since i last wrote him a letter, i've always stopped myself from doing so, cos i know writing it would hurt me shitloads. ive stayed away for as much as possible, but still somehow i always wish he knew how i felt. he's been damn busy in london, and i guess it's better this way..

im having a damn $*^#%)^$ huge ulcer in my mouth and it hurts just to talk. urgh. and i accidenally scalded my tongue while drinkin hot tea just now. im damn dumb sometimes!

i talked about a lot of stuff tearfully last thurs. i like talking to her, cos she understands and she never fails to continue the conversation. and she made me realise a lot of stuff. like how i thought about the consequences before actually making a decision. i can be impulsive, but i am not most of the time.. i love my parents dearly, but what my dad is going tru now is most prob hell. i can sympathise but i guess i can't say it's the same cos i have not been married before. my stepmom went back to thailand, jus when i was beginning to warm up to her. my dad's really sad abt it, filled with uncertainty and all.. and he said a lot of stuff to me which got me extremely worried about him. sigh. things are just beyond my control, and i always can't help but feel that way.

i'm such a little cynical bitch ever since God-knows-when. i can't help not believing, not having faith. things between ivan and i were totally beyond my control and as i've said, he had his reasons, and i understand. i'm sure i did all i could for him, and it goes the same for him too. but it's screwed up all the same. how a simple thing isn't as simple as it seems to be... gosh i sound retarded. i don't understand myself sometimes.

i went out to town with eunice,ser and cx yesterday for dinner. long john silver! haha. and we talked and crapped a lot. girls talk. hahas. it felt so great to have fun, to be able to let loose and i came back with a much lighter heart. thanks!